|Let's face it. It is really hard to come up with new ways to fully
irritate visitors to your site.
|I thought I would share some ways that I have found to irritate
visitors and drive them away, thereby saving you money on your
hosting bills. These tips are not in order according to their
effectiveness, however #1 is by far the most effective. For 100%
effectiveness, use any three of these techniques.
|1. Install a script to disable everyone's right mouse click button.
When someone tries to right-click, be sure to pop up a really
insulting warning that accuses them of trying to steal your secret
HTML code. Disabling the right click button will allow you to:
|- Keep the visitor from bookmarking your site
|- Keep the visitor from using the forward and back browser functions
|- Keep the visitor from opening your links in a new window
|- Keep the visitor from stopping a slow loading or hung page
|- Keep the visitor from using the Reload function to correct a
|- Keep the visitor from printing your secret content
|- Keep the visitor from using such illegal tools as the Google site
|Admittedly the visitors can do all of these things with the buttons
at the top of the browser, but maybe they won't know that and simply
go away as you intended when you disabled their dangerous right-click
|2. Create a really long page then starts playing your favorite song
and put the stop and volume controls at the very bottom of the page.
This will make sure they do one of the following:
|- Listen to the entire song all the way through 5 times while
reading your content, which proves them worthy of experiencing
|- Try desperately to find the Stop button
|- Go somewhere else to stop the song from playing.
|3. Decide in advance what screen resolution your visitors must use in
order to see your pages. It is absolutely a great way to drive them
off when they have to scroll from side to side to read sentences of
information. You can make this 100% effective by making your pages so
wide that no monitor can display it.
|4. The really professional irritator will not settle for just one
obscure browser plug-in. Go for the gold. Use several bloated
plug-ins that no one has already installed. This should drive away
all newbies because they usually have no idea how to install even one
plug-in, much less three. Experienced surfers will be glad to spend
20 minutes installing plug-ins to view your unique content.
|5. When the visitor arrives at your site, be sure to pop up at least
two ads behind their browser window and a minimum of two ads in front
of their window. This will give them lots of options in where to go
now that they have been sufficiently irritated to desire to leave
right away. Even more important is the way you treat the occasional
hard case that actually stays on your site after all of your efforts.
When they leave, remind them to never return. Start popping up
windows all over their monitor with windows that multiply every time
they try to close them.
|6. Sign up to use a really slow-loading hit counter and put the
button inside of a TABLE so that nothing appears until the
hit-counter responds. This is possibly the best way to keep visitors
from stealing from you as it keeps them from even reading your
content and possibly typing it into their site from memory. For this
to work reliably, you must avoid putting the height and width into
the call for the hit counter graphic. You can improve the
effectiveness of this technique by inserting not only a hit counter
button, but a long string of banner exchange banners.
|7. For the occasional visitor that inadvertently makes their way to
your ezine subscription form, fear not. All is not lost. You can
still rid yourself of them by asking lots and lots of personal
questions. Don't just ask for their email address. Ask for their
mailing address, phone number, sex, age, hobbies, religion, race and
some other things best not discussed here. This technique works
equally well when applied to your order forms and minimizes your trip
to the UPS office to ship products.
|8. Splash page. You gotta have a Splash Page. Lots of slow loading
animation. If you can combine this with the requirement to download
another obscure plug-in, you'll have hit a home run. I'm especially
impressed by the many sites that have upped the ante to include two
splash pages before you ever get to even the first word of content.
|9. Reconfigure the visitor's browser window. This will drive them
crazy! People hate it when you run a script on your pages that
expands the user's browser window to fill the entire screen and then
do away with all of the browser Toolbar features such as the
Navigation Toolbar and the Location Toolbar,
|10 Finally, an oldie but goodie. Make your background dark and your
text just a shade or two brighter. This makes it impossible to read
your text and will rid you of visitors before they have a chance to
clog up you server logs. If this is not possible on your site, use
the alternate technique of putting most of your content in PDF files
so that the visitor has to download them and launch another
application. Very effective.
|Did I mention that all of these cool ways to irritate visitors work
even better at driving away the people reviewing your site for places
like Yahoo, LookSmart and other directories to whom you've paid large
sums of money to review your site and add it to their directory?
|I hope this helps in your future marketing decisions.